This blog post has been inspired by a recent trip to the cinema to see the Greatest Showman. In it, I will discuss the two injunctions of TA, ‘Don’t be important’ and ‘Don’t Succeed’. As I will outline several aspects of the film, I must provide a *spoiler alert*. The film explores part of the life of P.T. Barnum and his setting up of his world famous circus. It takes (rather enormous amounts of) artistic license with the details of the story; changing personalities of the characters, fusing others and altering some of the relationships between them. None of this, I believe, takes away from the themes of the film. I could have used aspects of it when discussing the ‘Don’t be you’ and ‘Don’t be’ injunctions, especially with reference to the stirring anthem “This is me”. The lyrics speak to being who you truly are, despite what you may have been told in the past and how others have made you feel.
“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down,
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out.
I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be,
this is me” (“This Is me”, Debney and Trapenese, 2017)
Despite the myriad of injunctions on display in the film, the two that caught my attention were those of ‘Don’t Succeed’ and ‘Don’t be important’. As I have mentioned before, many injunctions have overlaps, and this is true of these two. In the film a young Barnum is shown working with his father as a tailor’s boy. The explicit message given by the rich father of his future wife (via a slap to the face), which is later referred to later in the film, is that you will never amount to much. The class system them, as now, imparts implicit and explicit indications that a person is not as worthy of riches, wealth and possession as others. It emphasises these things as being the key measures of success and meaning in life. Barnum’s father, through his lack of defence and look of disappointment reinforces, that this situation is correct. Barnum should accept his position in life, he is not meant to gain success, and to seek it will certainly not be met with admiration and approval.
Again to use my experience of parent’s evenings, there have often been parents who have come speaking of their inability to grasp a particular subject, and therefore success for their child is seen as impossible or restricted. Again, this is coming from the parent’s own child ego state, as they are projecting their feelings of inadequacy or fear of failure onto their offspring. This insecurity may even manifest as a sort of jealousy with the implicit signal of, “I didn’t succeed, so why should you?” These messages that is it not Ok to succeed at things sets up feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness in the child. They may begin to compare themselves (or be compared) to others in negative terms. Expectations may play a part in establishing these feelings. If success is never acknowledged or praised, and only flaws and faults are highlighted, success can be seen as something impossible and out of reach. It becomes a thing for other people.
From a despairing position, a child may decide that they will simply give up. If they are never going to succeed, why try in the first place? Apathy and depression can set in as the message that they are not meant to succeed in life crystallises. There may also be self-sabotaging behaviours, as there is a belief that succeeding may cause harm or upset to others, as it was seen and perceived to do as they grew up. This can often take the form of self-deprecating humour or downplaying of one’s accomplishments.
From the defiant position, drivers develop. This is definitely seen in the film, as Barnum strives to ‘work hard’ to gain the approval and respect from those around him. He even promotes a famous opera singer (who he has never even heard) as it allows him to mingle with, and win praise from the social elite. This singer’s song, “Never enough”, can be read (by me anyway) as expressing the fragile nature of drivers, which often mask the injunction feelings below. In it she exclaims:
“All the shine of a thousand spotlights,
All the stars we steal from the night sky,
Will never be enough, Never be enough,
Towers of gold are still too little, These hands could hold the world but it'll, Never be enough…” (“Never enough”, Debney and Trapenese, 2017)
For all the fame and recognition that the circus and performing has provided, it is still never enough to overcome those feelings of worthlessness that those initial injunctions have nurtured. In fact, even at this point, Barnum still has not earnt the respect of his father in law. However, it does highlight how this injunction may be overcome, which I will discuss towards the end of the post.
I want to mention the other injunction of ‘Don’t be important’. The most explicit way that this injunction is normally illustrated is with the Victorian view that, “Children should be seen, and not heard”. This injunction has overlaps with ‘Don’t think’ which I will address in a later post. It usually comes from that place of jealousy that I mentioned earlier. A parent who has an insecure child ego state will not be able to cope with a child who starts to get all the attention (or achieves success, as I have outlined earlier). Their needs become paramount, to the detriment of those of the child. This is especially true for children of narcissistic parents. It can become a case of not just “don’t be heard”, but “don’t even be seen”. If the child gets his or her needs met, this is taking away from the parent, and so often they are not. They might even be called needy or whining by their caregivers, for making the simplest of requests. Their needs are seen as unimportant to the rest of the world. They start to see themselves as unimportant to others, and themselves. In the song “This is me”, the singers, who are circus performers and part of the “freak show”, are speaking of their differences, but also of their needs for nurturing and love which have not been met when they say:
“I am not a stranger to the dark,
Hide away, they say, 'Cause we don't want your broken parts,
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars,
Run away, they say, No one'll love you as you are” (“This is me”, Debney and Trapenese, 2017)
They have been beaten and abused for who they are, and so society has deemed them unimportant and therefore they should hide themselves away. In the despairing position, a child may withdraw from the world. They may start to self-harm and self-neglect as they feel they are not able to ask for their needs to be met from those around them. These feelings of being inherently broken and not worthy of care can be especially overwhelming with this injunction. Drivers may be employed to compensate for this injunction. The ‘please me’ driver would certainly be encouraged by those caregivers who, for whatever reason, desire or need the care and attention from those around them. Looking after the needs of the parent may be the only way of gain approval, or avoiding disapproval. These ends may also be gained from the ‘try hard’, ‘hurry up’ and ‘be perfect’ drivers. The ‘be strong’ driver may have to be employed if needs are not being met, especially emotional ones. A child that is chastised for crying, and referred to as attention seeking all the time, will fairly quickly learn that they may need to repress and cover up their pain, fear and other emotions which require reassurance (or they may be defiant and ramp up the tantrums to eleven). There are again overlaps with the ‘don’t feel’ injunction which I will outline separately.
So what can be done about these two drivers? The Greatest Showman offers some possible solutions. From my interpretations, one of the things that Barnum does at the end of the film is to redefine “success”. When he sees that he may have lost his wife and children, he hands over his circus and fame to concentrate on what is truly important:
“When the glitter fades and the walls won't hold,
Cause from then, rubble, What remains,
Can only be what's true,
If all was lost, There's more I gained,
Cause it led me back, To you (“From Now On, Debney and Trapenese, 2017)
There is a moment of realisation that the fame and fortune that he was chasing was to make up for the lack of approval as a child. What he has at home shows his real success, namely true love and affection for who he authentically is, away from his circus persona. The opera singer Jenny Lind, in her fictionalised story arc, comes to a similar conclusion during her song’s reprise. She was actually seeking the love of Barnum, and all the spotlights and gold could never make up for that. Perhaps the most important thing about this injunction is not only that you do not need the permission of others to be successful, you also have the ability to define success however you chose to. In existential terms, the meaning of life is a matter of personal experience, and therefore we are worthy to strive for whatever we see as success. We also, therefore get to define our own failures, or in fact chose to view them as learning opportunities. The arc of Zac Efron’s character shows him eschewing the trappings of high society living and wealth to take up a life in the circus and a relationship with someone of a different class and racial background. Is he happier for doing so? I would argue yes. It is interesting to observe that Barnum is able to see the underlying unhappiness in Efron’s character and situation, and so offer him a way out, before he can see it in his own.
In terms of ‘don’t be important’, there must be an acceptance that all humans are important, and are worthy of having their needs acknowledged and addressed. In my work in schools and counselling, it is often difficult for people to actually express what they need, either because they find it hard to identify, or for fear of offending others. Assertiveness can help with this. Assertiveness is the ability to identify and own your feelings, and then express these as needs to others. It is not the same as aggressively demanding something, which is often what people think when they hear the word ‘assertive’. For example, if someone is perpetually late then I might say to them, “I am a bit upset and disrespected when I am left waiting for you, I need you be on time, or at least let me know you are running late”. In this example, I am telling the other person how I am feeling and then what I need from them. Remember, your feelings are perfectly valid, and there is no apology needed (they are the ones who are late). (See the resources below for links on how to communicate assertively)
Once again, here are some permissions which are useful for both of these injunctions. I have taken the liberty of including some Greatest Showman lyrics where appropriate:
- “'Cause you're just a dead man walking,
- Thinking that's your only option,
- But you can flip the switch and brighten up your darkest day” (Come alive, Debney and Trapenese, 2017)
- You are important and you have a right to have your needs met.
- Only I can define my own success.
- Ican chose to see mistakes as opportunities for learning
- “What's waited till tomorrow starts tonight It starts tonight” (“From now on”, Debney and Trapenese, 2017)
- "Look out 'cause here I come, And I'm marching on to the beat I drum, I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me” (“This is me, Debney and Trapenese, 2017 )
- It is OK to acknowledge my achievements, and for others to acknowledge them as well.
- I can chose my personal expectations
Resources
Below are a couple of links to articles on how to communicate in a more assertive way:
mams.rmit.edu.au/owx2c90pize9.pdf
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