This week’s post will look at the next of our twelve injunctions; and it is a profound one. It is the message of ‘don’t exist’. This injunction literally speaks to the existential questions that all humans ask of, “why am I here?” and “what is the purpose of existence?” These questions present challenges and opportunities in equal measure, as we each strive to find our answers to them. However, imagine how difficult this endeavour must be if you have been given the message that you shouldn’t exist in the first place.
This seems like a cruel message to have been given, but like all inunctions it is imparted in childhood in many explicit and implicit ways. Thinking of the explicit, I am reminded of the many melodramatic moments in soap operas where parents, in their anger and frustration, have screamed at their offspring that, “I wish you’d never been born!” Although thought of as a hyperbolic figure of speech, imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of that phrase from someone who is your caregiver. I have known a family that in everyday conversation described a child as, “the happy little accident”. It might be couched in a ‘humorous’ way, but the underlying and received meaning is still the same – you were an accident, not someone that we planned and wanted to have. Siblings might also be part of imparting the message to their brothers and sisters by letting them know that things were much better before they arrived on the scene. This is neither the forum nor the time to discuss the rights or wrongs of abortion, but letting a child know that they were nearly aborted (even followed with, “but we are glad we didn’t), is still providing that message of not being wanted. Those that have been put up for adoption may strongly feel this injunction, as the implication is that their parents did not want them (despite the circumstances being more complex than that). Children can also be ignored and neglected to varying degrees, by parents who unconsciously cannot cope with the existence of their child.
The effects of this injunction can be devastating. It can leave a person feeling that they do not have the right to exist. They may develop thoughts that they are an inconvenience, or that others and the world would be better without them. I must in all seriousness establish that these thoughts on their own do not necessarily mean that a person is actively suicidal, but this could be something that develops. If you know of someone who is experiencing thoughts like these, or are having them yourself, then please seek help. There are many services available (e.g. Samaritans 116 123, ChildLine 0800 1111, PAPYRUS 0800 068 4141). Other effects might be sense of not belonging in the world or extreme low self-esteem. This often leads to anxiety and/or depression.
It should be pointed out that this injunction has come from the caregiver’s own feelings (from their child ego state). They may be frightened of being an inadequate parent, or fear that they cannot cope. They may feel sadness and regret for their perceived losses after having a child, and rather than processing this grief, they project it onto their child. It is important to remember this when feeling the ‘don’t exist’ injunction, as the truth of the matter is that all living beings have an equal right to exist. The feelings only come when we are given the injunction by others.
A child, in response to this injunction, may take a defiant stance and act out. If caregivers give the impression that they should not be there and that they have in some way made life more difficult, then why not prove them right? It can almost be a case of living up to the message of “I wish you’d never been born”, by causing as much trouble as possible. It might even lead to the snapping back of the dramatic phrase, “I never asked to be born!” (Back to the soap operas).
In the despairing stance, all of the drivers are often put into operation. A child has to prove to their caregivers why they were not some kind of cosmic mistake by being strong, perfect, on time, helpful and working hard. Through these drivers, they may start to draw some meaning for their existence that is not felt otherwise. This is a very precarious position to be in, because as we have seen in our examination of the drivers, they are impossible to live up to all (or most of) the time. When they can’t be, the feelings from youth when the injunction messages were first experienced are what remains.
It has been pretty tough writing about this injunction, given how it can be so harmful. It also has overlaps with many of the other injunctions as well. For example, if you are not even meant to exist, then it may be that you also feel unimportant. As with all injunctions, the way to overcome them, is to engage with permissions. In the case of adoptions, a stable and loving family can provide that sense of meaning and wellbeing that allows the injunction to diminish. If you know someone who has this injunction, it is important to show them (implicitly and explicitly) that they are valued. This needs to be a valuing not for what they do, or how they might be helpful, but for simply being who they are, and existing. As Elton John and Bernie Taupin say in ‘Your Song’, “I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is, now you’re in the world”.
As before, this is not an exhaustive list, and you will be able to think of ones that are personal and appropriate for you:
- “Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person” - Universal Declaration of Human Rights
- I have a right to live and exist
- I am valuable and important person
- My life has the purpose and meaning that I give it
- I don’t derive my right to live from others
- I am worthy of love and respect
- My life is my own and not the possession of anyone else
- Existence is not futile, it is something to be used and cherished
- I am enough
- The world is a better place with me in it
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