The Gift that Doesn't Keep Giving (posted 09/10/17)

Being kind to others and helping them out is a good thing, right? What about helping them out when they haven’t asked for it? That can be a nice surprise. Surely? What about if you always do this, with everyone? How about assisting others before you attend to your own needs? In this post I want to explore some of the aspects of the ‘please me’ driver.

I expect a lot of people know someone who, when they come over, have to start tiding stuff, or helping out in the kitchen at social gatherings. The people that express concern for all of their friends, and come up with elaborate ways in which they can solve their problems and issues. These people, although well meaning, are possibly driven by the ‘please me’ driver. For them, their self-worth is completely tied into the service of those around them. As drivers are formed in childhood, it may be that helping others was the only way in which a person would get recognition or praise. Alternatively, not being selfless may have resulted in harsh punishments or feelings of rejection. More subtly, a child may witness a parent with a ‘please me’ driver, continually putting others first. This model is seen as correct and acceptable behaviour by the child, who then dutifully emulate it.

So why might this not be the healthiest of behaviours? The questions I postulated at the start of this post hinted at some of the issues with this driver. When outlining the ego states of TA, I mentioned the negative nurturing parent. This is often where the driver may lay. Someone may help others without even asking them. They form the “sit down, I’ll do it” brigade of well-meaning helpers. There is a danger that if someone is forever sitting down and letting jobs be done for them, they will never stand up and do them for themselves. I have seen this in school on many occasions, and have actually been asked to do it. In science, there are a set of core skills that need to be learnt, and of course, support and help will be given to learners who require them. This support however will be carefully managed and slowly reduced to enable the learner to master the task on their own. Sometimes, I was asked why certain interventions were not always employed. I also witnessed helpful friends or teaching assistants doing the work of others. Those that need the help, can learn to be helpless if it is continually provided. I have even seen people who have been left totally incapable of making the simplest decisions for themselves, by this constant over-helping.

There are others with this driver who will put the needs of others before their own needs. Again, this is sometimes done in a kind way, as a one off. If it is regular occurrence, however, it can cause many issues. In counselling, one of our ethical principal is that of self-care. (I will talk about this in more detail in a later blog post). Essentially, the reason that it is key, is that we can only provide the best for others when we have addressed our own needs. The analogy that is often used, is the instruction in aeroplane safety videos to place your oxygen mask on, before helping others. If you are gasping for breath, how much use will you rally be to anyone else?

Often, when I think of this driver I am reminded of the Catherine Tate character that I believe was named the “I can do that” woman. In the show, she would encounter someone in a terrible difficulty, like a band member going sick, or a dance partner dropping out of a competitions. She would gleefully announce that she can help out, only to fail miserably. It is very often not appropriate to help. In counselling, to be ethical, we work within the limits of our proficiency. We may desperately want to help someone, but if we do to have the necessary training, experience or skills, then we will either not be able to be effective, or even worse do more harm.

Those with ‘please me’ drivers can end up exhausted, forever helping others out, and ignoring their own needs. Or they may end up with feelings of resentment towards those they are helping, when they are not shown gratitude or acknowledgement for what is being done. There can also be huge amounts of guilt attached due to the great link to self-esteem and self-worth. This may be associated with the dreadful fear of rejection, if they are not seen as being useful enough. That is a cause for concern, because ‘please me’ people are really useful. I have a relative who has finally begun to stand up for herself and cater to her requirements first. The shock and surprise expressed by friends when she explained that she would not be helping out at an event was enormous. They had become complacent and reliant on her. However, it had taken a few times of her saying “no”, for her to minimise the feelings of guilt at having ‘let them down’. Those feelings are what causes the spiral into helping more and more; often I a vain attempt to make up for the shortcomings of the previous time. Such is the spiral nature of drivers, and their ability to pull you further down into them.

So what can be done if you perhaps experience the need to please others on a regular basis, or have contact with a ‘people pleaser’ (as those with driver may be colloquially known)? Below I offer a few suggestions:

Be prepared to ‘own’ things: Before automatically jumping in to help someone, evaluate the consequences for you and the other person. If it is their responsibility, then maybe they would be better left to it, so they can learn to cope. Often encouragement is more powerful than direct assistance. It shows that you care without stifling the autonomy of the other person.

Perhaps in providing assistance you will miss out on something important for you or someone else. (I have seen chains of disappointment where someone may say, “I have just enough time to assist person A, before I have to pick up person B, and then go round to help out person C”. In actually they end up saying, “I couldn’t help A properly, which made me late for person B who missed their appointment and by the time I got to person C, the job was already done!”) Remember (for the most part), you are responsible for you, and other people are responsible for themselves. (I may expand on this in a later post….)

Make an offer, they can refuse: Make sure that you offer help and don’t presume to give it. A refusal for help is just that, a lack of requirement for active assistance. It is not a rejection of you as a person. Also, remember that you are allowed to ask for help and accept offers from others.

Patience and politeness go a long way: ‘Please me’ people can be frustrating, but it must be remembered that they are dealing with a mix of heavy emotions, from guilt to fear. Anger and rudeness will only serve to feed their feelings of rejection, and so ultimately be counterproductive. Explain to them calmly and clearly why you may not need their help. Allow them time to adjust. Make sure you politely thank them, but try to focus on them personally, rather than their actions. For example, you might want to acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an offer of help and the fact it is nice to see them, rather than the act itself.

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