A fairly recent ad campaign by Match.com (other dating sites are available) proclaimed that “If you don’t like your imperfections, someone else will” #loveyourimperfections. Apart from accusations of discrimination against those with freckles (https://www.theguardian.com/media/2016/apr/12/matchcom-to-remove-posters-implying-red-hair-and-freckles-imperfections ), I feel that the intentions behind the campaign were admirable. In a culture that constantly promotes images of unobtainable or fake ‘perfection’, it was refreshing to see a message that highlighted the subjective nature of that almost undefinable word. What many of us see as imperfections or failings are seen by others in a completely different light.
This blog post will examine the final, and in my humble opinion, one of the most damaging drivers; ‘be perfect’. Those with this driver literally can end up being perfectionists. They have an innate need to do everything, and behave according, to a particularly high standard. Like the other drivers, this standard would have been set in childhood. There was probably an imbalance between the ‘carrots’, with the rewards only being given for acting in a very particular way, or the ‘stick’, with punishment coming for failure to meet the grade. The standard of perfection will be learnt from external sources, but internalised, and then globally applied to all situations. As with the other drivers, an inability to fulfil the need will be taken as a personal failing as a person, as their worth is directly related to their success. Any perceived failure will be felt as them not being good enough.
Being a perfectionist leads to a stressful life. As a scientist, I was trained to always work in a controlled way, so that there were no extraneous variables which could affect the possible results of an experiment. This might be why scientific careers often appeal to those with a ‘be perfect’ driver. Life, however, is not an experiment, and so cannot be controlled to the smallest detail. A dog will come and step in the wet cement. A fly will land in the ointment. You can’t control the way the cookie crumbles, and it will probably crumble on the way to your mouth. It is impossible to control everything around you, especially people. For this reason, people with driver will often get frustrated with others who are perceived as having lower standards, or threatening their perfection in one way or another. As I write this, I am reminded of Hyacinth Bucket from ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ who is forever exasperated by her family ruining her perfect plans for social advancement. That title, matches very well to someone with a ‘be perfect driver’ as they have a need to appear perfect, or feel that they are not good enough.
I personally see quite a lot of overlap between the ‘be perfect’ driver, and many of the others. Although this driver leads to more task focus than person focus (like the ‘please me’ driver), there is still that feeling of being judged by others. So there is a desire to be accepted by others through their perfection. However, due to the subjective nature of perfection, it will be impossible to be accepted by everyone. That is why in a room full of people all saying how wonderful something is, a perfectionist will still be able to see what they perceive to be flaws. No amount of placating or reassurance will make this disappear. This need for approval and acceptance stems right back to that need which was possibly unfulfilled in childhood, which seems to me to be a sad realisation.
Being ‘perfect’ might also go hand in hand with being ’strong’. Part of the façade and persona of someone with the ‘be perfect’ driver, may be to show strength, especially if weakness is seen as an imperfection. One part of weakness which is often hidden with this driver is displaying emotions. This is possibly because emotions are incredibly difficult to control. They have a habit of cropping up when you least expect them and making you behave in all sorts of imperfect ways.
Unlike the ‘try hard’ driver, ‘be perfect’ is often exceptionally goal orientated. Rather than working on lots of different tasks at once, this driver can lead to a single minded determination to complete something perfectly, to the exclusion of everything else. This exclusion can include many things such as relationships, social interactions and self-care.
So, as with the other drivers, what can be done to reduce the impact of the ‘be perfect’ driver? Below are some suggestions for those who identify with it, and those that have interactions with those people:
Prize and Praise what they do: This driver craves acceptance and approval. Highlight all the things that are great about an achievement (even if it wasn’t that great), and ignore the rest. Don’t worry, they will have spotted any negatives themselves. The praise doesn’t need to be personal necessarily, as they will make it personal themselves. What is important is that they feel accepted, loved and above all good enough. So it might help to highlight the other wonderful things they do, not just the project that is getting all their attention.
It’s all about the feels: Give them time, space and opportunities to talk about their feelings, but don’t force them to. Let them worry, and don’t discount their worries, but show them the evidence that they were unfounded. Model that it is ok to laugh at yourself from time to time. The best learning comes from our mistakes, and sometimes they can be hilarious. If they do mess up, be with them if they feel upset, but highlight that it is not personal. Criticism should be specific and factual. So their soufflé sunk in the middle. So what, it tasted lovely, it was probably something to do with the fan in the oven, and it looked really cool. It ok to have a laugh about it.
Pause: If you find yourself in the grips of trying to get something perfect, try and pause. Stand back and take a look at the big picture (quite literally if you are a painter). Look at your personal priorities and ask if something else needs your attention. I am reminded of the Great British Bake Off for some obscure reason. Is it better to add a decorative spun sugar hat to your macaron, or is it more important that you actually manage to bake 52 of them so that they are not raw? You might not be happy that without a hat they do not look right to you, but leaving it off is preferable to giving Paul Hollywood an upset stomach
It’s ok to be good enough: I plan to write more on the concept of ‘good enough’ at a later date. No one minds that the Venus de Milo has no arms. She is a perfectly imperfect statue, and that is good enough. Essentially, it is important to remember that perfection is a highly subjective thing, as was highlighted by the Match.com adverts. What is imperfect to you, might be the height of perfection to someone else. The standards in your head are exactly that, abstract concepts in your head. They are not real. Obviously, there is something to be said about striving to do the best that you can, but there is a point at which you have to be prepared to step away. You will never please all of the people all of the time, and if you have this driver, you will never actually please yourself. Therefore, you have to learn that there is a point where what you have done is your best, and it is good enough.
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