Welcome again to my blog exploring the different aspects of transactional analysis theory. I have a confession to make. The quote I have used for the title of this post is actually from a book I have never read; E.M. Forster’s Howard’s End”. (It is also the name of a quiz show I am pretty fond of though.) The theme of the book I have been lead to believe is around the need for connection from a social standpoint, but also with one’s self. If this is the correct interpretation then I feel it is fitting for the injunction I wish to explore today, that of ‘don’t belong’.
Brene Brown, the famous author and speaker has recently released a book entitled “Into the Wilderness”. Unlike Howard’s End, I have actually read, and thoroughly enjoyed this book. The central theme of the work is the need of humans to belong, and how this might be achieved. I will refer to it briefly in this post.
As a social species, evolution has hardwired us to need the company of others. This has been useful for survival as it provides protection, nurturing and greater opportunities for food and other resources. This being the case, being excluded in any way from the societal structure could be damaging and lead to a very real threat to safety and survival. Evolved as we are, the anxiety and depression that exclusion can induce is still very present in our primate emotions.
So how might this injunction develop in a child? There are some overlaps here with the ‘don’t be you’ injunction, as often the message that is given is one of being different. However, in that case, being different meant that you were unworthy of affection, where as in this case it means you are unworthy of belonging to the larger group. The child might be told things like, “you’re the odd one out”, “you’re not like your brothers and sisters”, or “its’ your fault everyone is unhappy”. It can be given more implicitly by the act of excluding the child from family and group activities. This exclusion may be part of punishment for not conforming to a particular model of behaviour and being. The family as a whole may also feel that they are outsiders and feel different from others. In this way they might say things like, “we don’t hang around with other people round here” or “I don’t want you playing with those kids, they’re not like us.” Although you may fit into the family unit, there is the clear message being relayed that as a person, you don’t belong to the rest of society, and there is no clear modelling of how this can be achieved.
Lack of belonging can lead to real feelings of loneliness and depression. You are always the outsider looking in. This injunction can lead you to think that you are not worthy to have the support or acceptance of others, and that your place is to be by yourself. Not feeling the support of others can fell vulnerable and so anxiety can set in. Brene Brown speaks of some of the responses to this not belonging. One of these is to rebel against it, from the defiant position. If people think you don’t fit in, then you can embrace it and be as outlandish as possible. This can be how different outgroups form. What better way of finding belonging than joining a group where no one belongs. For example the goths and the punks. When I think of these groups I am reminded of the gangs of male elephants who are kicked out of their herds when they reach adolescence. Their social group can’t support them, as there can only be one dominant male, and so they wonder about, sometimes causing havoc. I think I may have seen mirrored human teenage behaviour behind a local shop on a Friday night.
However, what is also at play here is, as Brene describes it, a large amount of ‘fitting in’. I would suggest that this adaptation of ourselves to better fit with a chosen group comes from a despairing position, and therefore our drivers. This may take the form of doing whatever we can for the group to ingratiate ourselves (‘please me’). We may change our appearance and persona to best match the agreed norms of the group. We certainly will do everything possible to not make mistakes, be late or show any weaknesses when we are with the group (‘be perfect’, ‘hurry up’ and ‘be strong’). All this will definitely take a lot of effort to maintain, especially if it doesn’t come naturally and is counter to your normal behaviour (‘work hard’). This is often when group exploitation can take place, and the dangers of peer pressure come to the fore. The alternative to belonging to the group is the feelings of loneliness, rejection, anxiety and depression that exclusion will bring. Therefore, this can be exploited by those with a higher position in the social hierarchy. Those in power represent the parent of the past who told us that if we didn’t fit in, we were not good enough, and so our adapted child feels the pain and acts accordingly. This need for belonging is especially strong in our adolescent years, when everything is changing and it can feel like we are a different person on a day to day basis. This is probably the reason why peer pressure can be such a potent force in these formative years.
So what can be done to challenge this inunction? Brene suggests that authenticity is the key to true belonging. It is about first accepting and connecting with ourselves, and then connecting with others from this more integrated and authentic position. I would suggest that this mirrors the adult ego state, which is strongest when it can accept the feelings and messages of the past, but chose a new way of being and behaving in the here and now. She quite rightly points out that this is a vulnerable place to be. It can be hard to be ourselves in the face of groups that expect us to try and fit in. However, though authenticity, we can learn that people will accept us for who we truly are and that can lead to a powerful sense of true belonging. As with all injunctions, a path to this acceptance can be the implementation of permissions to be who we are:
- I will be accepted for who I truly am
- I don’t have to change who I am to fit in with others
- I celebrate my uniqueness, and the uniqueness of others
- “We are far more united, than that which divides us”, Jo Cox
- I can be true to myself
- I am worthy of being part of the group and belonging to it
- I am not, and will not always be alone
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