Even Heroes Cry (posted 25/09/17)

The SuperEmoFriends art picture (J Salvador https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/SuperEmoFriends) of a crying Wonder Woman, sad that she cannot find her invisible plane, always brings to my mind the ‘Be Strong’ driver. Wonder Woman is an amazing and inspirational hero to boys and girls (and men and women) around the world. She is physically strong, and brave. What however, this picture reminds me of is that she is also emotionally vulnerable. With that ability, she can break free from a ‘be strong’ driver.

Often when we think of being strong we think of physical strength. Indeed, this driver may mean that. It can push us to try and achieve bigger, stronger and fitter bodies; sometimes at the cost of our health and happiness. On the other hand it can also more often refers to being mentally or emotionally strong. This message is often given both implicitly and subtly, but also in far more explicit terms. As Piers Morgan recently showed us with his fairly recent tweet to those with mental health issues in the UK to “man up” (http://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/802626/Piers-Morgan-Good-Morning-Britain-ITV-mental-health-Twitter-Stan-Collymore). Unfortunately, on average the ‘be strong’ driver, tends to affect men with a greater frequency than women (that is of course not to say that there are not similar expectations placed on women to be strong in a variety of different ways). There is an assumption and an expectation that men will be strong, often physically, but certainly emotionally. The British culture tends to cling to the traditional images of men with a ‘stiff upper lip’. With many drivers, the message to do something is usually related to its polar opposite. So if you are not being strong, the alternative must be that you must be weak. This can lead to suppression of a range of behaviours and emotions.

Staying strong can often require people to not feel certain emotions. Sadness is a major one that is deemed unacceptable. ‘Big boys and girls don’t cry’ apparently. If these emotions are not allowed to be felt and expressed, what happens to them? Most often they get bottled up and repressed. They can then start to leak out when we are stressed or tired. Or they can be released in massive, often damaging outbursts. Sometimes emotions may be swapped for others. Sadness is perceived as weak, but anger might be seen as strong. Therefore, rather than express sadness, a person might lash out and mask it with anger. When scared, the frightened person may hide behind bravado and cruelty.

The problem with drivers is their lack of balance. Once you start being strong, the expectation becomes internalised. Any degree of failure and weakness stops becoming an option, and is experienced on a deeply personal level. I have seen someone in a gym drop an extremely heavy set of weights. Their response was to appear completely embarrassed, like the ground needed to swallow them up, as they looked furtively round the whole gym. No one had actually noticed (or cared), but I saw them slip off to a corner and punch a wall. Their failure had been too much for them. They returned to the weights, and actually put more on the bar! At this point, I couldn’t watch anymore and went to a machine facing the other way. In contrast, I have seen men not manage a lift and simply laugh it off, or realise their error and return to a lighter set.

Therein lies the problem with this driver. The balance required to escape its clutches requires vulnerability. It’s the realisation that there is a balance between feeling everything all the time, and not feeling anything at all. In counselling, it is often a common belief with clients that if they start to cry or feel upset, they will never stop. If someone can see the chink I your armour, then everyone will exploit it. The strong walls that have been built may tumble down and show your true weakness. Of course, what is often not acknowledged or realised is the fact that showing vulnerability is a strong act, requiring bravery and courage, to face the risks. It is knowing when to be strong, and when it is OK to accept and feel the pain or emotions that are occurring. Vulnerability doesn’t have to be weakness, it can be admitting that you need help, and accepting it. It can be owning that you are feeling scared, alone, or upset, but knowing that this is a temporary situation. It can be being strong for others, but showing them that you have limits and flaws, and that it is acceptable. I have spoken to different counsellors, and have experience first-hand, that often young clients may never have seen their fathers (or either parent) cry. In sessions, these clients can often find it difficult to cry or express their feelings, because they do not want to be judged as weak.

I believe that some of the success of the recent Wonder Woman film came from the subtle normalising of vulnerability. In the film Wonder Woman is not completely invulnerable. She makes mistakes, she suffers wounds and losses. She also expresses huge strength of body and mind, but also the ability to ask for and rely on help from others. She shows compassion to those around her, but more importantly to herself. Her companion on the adventure, Steve Trevor, also shows this same blend of emotions. He is brave and heroic, but also able to know his limits and demonstrate some of his ‘softer’ sides. He doesn’t question accepting help from a woman, when many of those around him fail to even acknowledge her existence.

So how does someone deal with this driver, or limit the effects for someone with a need to ‘be strong’. Below I offer some suggestions:

Life is about give and take: Try to take opportunities where you can accept help, and not always just give it. Go out of your comfort zone and try an activity that is completely new to you. It will be hard at first, but try and let others show you the ropes. You have needs, and it’s more than ok to let others know what they are.

Don’t force it: If you feel the need to be strong, the last thing you will want is people pressurising you into expressing yourself or into letting them help. This will probably make you even more likely to clam up. Learn strategies and find safe places to release your tension and feel emotions. Find people you trust and are comfortable with who you can open up to. This might be a counsellor or best friend at first. Remember, there is no hurry (especially if you also have a ‘hurry up’ driver!). If you are supporting someone with this driver, encourage them to express themselves, but respect their process and their limits. Offer them praise and support when they show their vulnerability. It will have taken a lot to get there.

Remember the reed and the oak: As Confucius apparent said, “The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in the storm”. This reflects the balance that is required to truly weather what life has to throw at us. Too much strength means that in times of extreme stress we are likely to fall apart. What is required is a flexibility of enough strength to stand up tall, but be able to move in the direction the wind, and life takes us.

Compassion is key: Those with a ‘be strong’ driver, might expect the same strength from others. In learning to show empathy towards those who appear weaker, you may start to see their hidden strengths. Showing them compassion will allow you to show compassion for yourself. In Greek mythology, Atlas had to hold up the heavens by himself. If only he had asked for help, imagine how much easier the job would have been with lots of hands doing the work. If he’d show himself some compassion, he could have at least given himself a break.