Have you ever found yourself carrying on with a job, constantly making minute changes because you just had to get it absolutely right? Have you ever rushed and raced to get to a meeting because you had to get there exactly on time, and not a second later? Have you forced yourself to fight back tears because those around you can’t see you cry? Have you ever missed out on something really important to you because you were helping someone out? Do you have a to-do list as long as your arm, but never seem to get any of it finished? If you can answer yes to any, or all of these questions, then this post may be of interest to you.
In a recent post, I outlined the Parent, Adult and Child model in Transactional Analysis. This time I want to briefly describe the concept of drivers, originally proposed by Taibi Kahler in 1975. As with the PAC model, links are provided to other more in depth descriptions at the end of the post.
Drivers are a set of learned behaviours that are developed in early childhood. Back then, they kept us safe and protected. Kahler proposed that there were five main drivers, all expressed in the imperative: ‘be strong’, ‘be perfect’,’ be kind/please others’, ‘try/work hard’ and ‘hurry up’. These messages were probably given either explicitly or implicitly by parents and others around us. They are instructions on how we should behave. Often failing to follow the messages would result in some pretty negative consequences, from disapproval to punishment. These consequences probably led to our adapted child feeling bad in some way. Perhaps as fear, sadness, anger (at self and others) or shame. To avoid these feelings, our adapted child learnt to comply with the instructions (or completely rebel against them). For example, a child that is constantly told that their efforts are not good enough, or every fault is highlighted, will begin to seek perfection in every task they perform. We carry on listening to these messages and their associated behaviours unconsciously into adulthood. The messages keep us going forward but it can sometimes feel like we have no control; the drive to respond in a certain way is like an autopilot.
Often when discussing drivers, people will argue that they must be good and useful things to have. In some cases they can be useful, and everybody at some time will exhibit behaviour associated with each driver. However, as with many things in life, the key is what happens when there is a lack of balance in behaviour. Drivers are not acted out in the adult ego sate. When the messages they convey are projected inwards they speak to the adapted child who then behaves accordingly. This is the mental “beating yourself up” that often comes when you make a mistake when driven by perfectionism, for example. When the messages are externalised to others, then it is your critical parent relaying the messages. This might be why you begin shouting at others to get a move on when they are holding you up, and you are responding to a ‘hurry up’ driver.
It is all too easy to get stuck in a driver, as it allows for its own negative feedback to develop. If a person is responding to a ‘be kind’ driver and they helps someone out once, that is great. If however, they are asked for help, but are unable to, that might make them feel that they are not good enough. They will then try and help even more people to compensate. Any more slight failures might drive them to spend even more time helping others. All the while, they will probably be neglecting their own needs.
Being unable to fulfil the high demands and expectations of a driver can often make us think the opposite of ourselves (missing the balance point in the middle). So if I am not working at 100% that means I am lazy. If I am not helping someone out, I am an unkind person. If I am not strong and seek help with a problem, I am weak. If I turn up late to a meeting, I am a failure. If I make a mistake on a task, I am incompetent. I am sure that reading these statements in this stark manner might make them seem strange, but our minds are very good at the “beating up” of ourselves, when we are acting on our drivers. To a lesser extent it fuels our judgement of others. For example, someone else making little mistakes makes them incompetent, and our parent ego state needs to let them know.
Over my next few blog posts, I will attempt to explore each of the drivers in turn and offer some contexts and suggestions on how the behaviour associated with them can be challenged.
Below are some links to other descriptions of drivers, as well a little test to identify which ones you may have a preference for:
Changing minds outline of drivers: http://changingminds.org/explanations/motivation/kahler_drivers/kahlers_drivers.htm
Tracey Carr – table of behaviours:
Transactional Analysis Info – Simple test looking at predominant drivers:
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