In this post, I want to look at the injunction of “don’t be you”. Sometimes this might be expressed as “don’t be yourself”. In the last post, I outlined, that injunction messages come from our external caregivers as we are growing up. They stem from the feelings of their child ego state. What I hope to do is outline some of the ways that this injunction may form, what effect it may have, and how it can be challenged.
In my personal experience, as a science teacher, I have quite often been exposed to this injunction is a very explicit form. This has usually been at parent’s evening, and it went something like this. A parent sat down and said that they hated science when they were a child, and they explained how their child is probably struggling with it too. They were then extremely surprised when I informed them that their child is doing well. I sometimes then had a pupil confirm that they are not only doing well, but they really enjoyed the subject. This was met with shock, and proclamations of not knowing where they inherit ‘that’ from. I have heard from colleagues that similar exchanges can occur for any subject on the curriculum. Two of the most troubling exchanges then went on to include the message that, “You might enjoy it now, and find it easy, but trust me, you won’t when it gets more difficult”. I also had a father suggest that they were glad their son was doing well, but they hoped that my homework did not take too much time away from football practice.
What might be happening in these exchanges is that the school environment, and being faced with memories of their schooling fills the parents with fear and sadness. Perhaps they wanted to do well in a particular subject, but they were not encouraged by their parents. Maybe they were doing well and then failed an important test. They could have been bullied for participation in a particular activity, or mocked for struggling. For them, the subject (and feelings that go with it) are not OK, and the last thing they want their child to do is experience a repeat of those terrible experiences and emotions. Therefore, they send out the signal that liking these things is not OK, and not encouraged. Children, however are likely to pick up on the message at a deeper level, and questions might form in their head. For example, “If I like rugby, will my dad still love me?” “Does my mum thinks there is something wrong with me, as I enjoy geography and she hated it?” “Should I give up my place on the maths quiz team to do ballet, as that’s what my gran wants me to do?” The child is being encouraged to ignore or deny part of their emotions and experiencing to alleviate the worries and fears of their caregivers.
The above example looks at liking a particular activity or subject, but this injunctions actually speaks more deeply than that. It makes a person question who they really are. Not being ‘you’ might be about any aspect of your physicality, ability or personality. So the focus might be on a child’s weight or appearance. It might be about their behaviour or perceived intelligence. Whatever it is that is being expressed is deemed to be unacceptable in some way. I must make it clear, that I am not suggesting that all behaviours are acceptable, and in fact the positive controlling parent has a role to correct socially unacceptable or harmful behaviour. What I am suggesting is more along the lines of something I saw many years ago on the TV program Super Nanny. A mother was forever telling her children not to be messy. They would be painting and she would lean in and tell them off for getting paint on their clothes, or would clean their hands when something went on it. The children were being creative, but were very strongly being told that creativity and fun were not OK if mess was involved. There was almost a look of dread on the children’s faces when they had to make something with their mum, and they sat glumly painting within the lines. Fortunately, ‘Super Nanny’ was able rectify this with a couple of well-placed splodges of dirt on the mother’s face, followed by an enormous laugh while very messily potting up some plants. She showed the mother that it was OK to be messy and that it did not have to be a repeat of her childhood (where possibly she had been told off). She also gave the children scope to be fully creative and explore what they were doing. At the end, everything was tidied away by the children without any fuss.
As with drivers, injunction messages can be given very explicitly, or implicitly. One explicit way of delivering this involves the cruelty of comparison. An example from school or in the family is the proclamation of “She’s not as smart as her sister”, or “Your brother was able to do that when he was your age, why can’t you?” Comparisons, don’t have to be with other family members, they can be anyone from friends to celebrities. What they are essentially doing is saying that other person is OK as they are, but you are not. One implicit tactic can be the backhanded compliment, for instance, “You were such an attractive/ active/ happy/ helpful/ thoughtful etc.. child or baby.” There is a major implication there, which beg the question of, “So what are you implying I am now!?!” With these messages can be encouragements to change. “Why don’t you put your hair up, you look pretty with your hair up?” “I think you would be happier if played with those children over there, and not these ones”. Slowly but surely, the injunction makes you mistrust your own instincts and choices. In order to gain the approval or love (or attention) of those around you, you feel you need to change who you are.
One of the most common reasons that I have experienced of people coming to therapy, is often the feeling that, “I don’t know who I am” or “I want to find myself”. This particular injunction can lead to those feelings. If you’re constantly being told who not to be, how are you meant to know who you are? Like the people in my hypothetical town with only prohibitive signs, from my last post, eventually you will get lost, sad and frustrated.
If you are being told that it is not Ok to be you all the time, there are several things that can happen. In a defiant state, you might rally against the messages. So if you have been told that you can’t get messy, you might go out of your way to get as messy as you possibly can. It will get a negative reaction, but at least it will get a reaction; and to a child, any attention is often better than none. In a despairing state, you might start to disguise your true self. This might be a physical disguise in the form of clothes, make up or hairstyles. Or, it may be an emotional or behavioural disguise. So you paint on a smile and pretend to be happy, doing something you perhaps really hate deep inside. You might develop drivers to compensate for what you perceive to be short comings in your own self. So you may believe that you are not an OK person, but people will like you if you are good at things (be perfect), help them out (please me), work hard at things (try hard), are always on time (hurry up) and never show your true emotions (be strong). This can leave people with this injunction with feeling like they are an imposter. So even if they are popular or doing well, they are not happy. They are not being true to themselves and perhaps acting contrary to who they really are underneath. Also, with all drivers, when they cannot be achieved, the person will be left with the feeling of the injunction. In this case, the feeling that come with, ‘I am not OK to be me’.
I must mention that sometimes this injunction is written with a specific supplement which is ‘don’t be (the gender) you are’. This is a common aspect of this injunction. Explicitly I know of people that were told that their parents had hoped they would be born the opposite gender. This might be expressed as something like, “After having your brother, we were really hoping for a girl, but then we had you. Which was great.” Unfortunately, to a young child, whose life is based on wishes and dreams, they will probably only hear and absorb the first part of this message. The damage is already done. I have also seen this implicitly through the giving of passive aggressive presents at birthdays and Christmas which reinforce whatever gender role is wanted by the giver. Like with the other consequences of this injunction, a child might decide to act against the message, or change to try and fulfil it. I must make it clear however, that I am not talking about being transgender. I will not discuss this in detail as it is definitely not my area of expertise. However, my understanding is that transgender feelings come from inside and are authentic to the person. What I am discussing with injunctions are feelings that form from messages given from external sources, and are therefore not truly authentic.
Permissions
So what can be done if you have a ‘don’t be you’ injunction? A lot actually. The first thing to do with all injunctions is to become aware that they are there, and then what triggers them. So for me, it might be the sadness I feel when a certain someone asks me if I am still doing that ‘psychology thing’. Then you can remind yourself of permissions. Injunctions tell you what you CAN’T do, but what you can focus on, now that you are not a child anymore, is what you CAN do. You no longer need your caregiver’s permission to do things, you can give it to yourself. If you know someone that has this injunction, you can start by giving them permission, but then remind them of the fact that they don’t need it from you.
Those of you raising children, I need to clarify her that there is a balance between encouragement and permission giving, and indulgence. So for example, I can be enthusiastic about my child liking WWF, and that it makes them happy, but I would not allowing them to try out their moves on their friends at break time. You might take your son or daughter to football practice, but you will make sure they have done their homework as well. The positive nurturing parent encourages, and the positive controlling parent ensures that behaviour is acceptable. When the parent is in their adult, the may do an activity alongside their child (I am reminded of the pictures on the internet of parents dressing up with their children at Halloween), or even slip into free child and have fun with them.
For this particular injunction, I would suggest the following permissions might be useful. It is not an exhaustive list, and you will be able to think of ones that are personal and appropriate for you:
- It’s OK to be me
- I am fine as I am
- I can be whoever I want to be
- I don’t have to conform to other people’s view of me
- I’m might not know who I am now, but I will find myself
- I am allowed to be myself
- You do you, and I will do me
- There is only one of me, I chose to be what I want
- I define what it is to be a man /woman / me
- I am worthy of love just the way I am
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