This week’s blog post is going to be another double whammy of injunctions, as I want to explore the two age related ones of ‘don’t grow up’ and ‘don’t be a child’. I hope it is obvious why these two I particular might be linked, although the messages being given are quite different and may lead to different consequences.
Essentially, these two injunctions are driven by the messages from our parent’s child ego states related usually to their fears about our stage of development (and the feelings they felt at those times in their own lives). The ‘don’t grow’ up messages come from the perception that life as a child might be carefree and enjoyable, and that growing up will lead to hardship and misery. It may also be that the child provides the parents with a sense of security, purpose and usefulness, and should their child grow up, they will no longer be needed. This will certainly set off the emotions in the parent from their set of injunctions, for example loneliness, worthlessness and fear. The language of this injunction is infantilising and might consist of things like, “mommy’s little girl”, “daddy’s brave little soldier”, or reminders of past cuteness and requests for repetitions of past behaviours. Much of the subtle messages will be delivered from the parent’s negative nurturing parent ego state. In this state, the parent will do everything for the child. They will resist teaching new skills and instead fulfil any and all requests. In this way, the child will remain helpless, and in fact this is the behaviour that they learn is required in order to get attention and needs met. If a child receiving this message were to act independently, they may get chastised, or even ridiculed for any attempts (especially if they fail).
Someone receiving these messages may end up feeling that they are useless and helpless, or that they should be. They may start to exhibit many of the stereotypical behaviours of the “spoilt brat”. They will behave in childlike ways to get their needs met, like tantrums and sulking, and not develop the more mature approaches like negotiation and compromise. They may also not learn to be able to handle emotions in a contained way, as they will not have been encouraged to develop their own resilience and coping strategies, for example, self-soothing. In the despairing position the child will take this behaviour into adulthood, often being unprepared for the challenges that life throws at us. They may come across as being victims or over-demanding persecutors of others. Their behaviour might come across as inappropriately immature or silly, certainly in more adult settings. They will certainly hold driver behaviour, as they will feel they have to behave as ‘perfect little children’, and so they might feel that grown up behaviour, like swearing or staying out late are naughty and so unacceptable. In the defiant position, these adults might chose to rebel completely against the child like behaviour and do everything that they presume an adult should be engaging with. This might include things that become reckless and risky, especially if they are unprepared for the consequences.
The ‘don’t be a child’ injunction is sort of the opposite message. It is given by caregivers, again usually from fear, about their child being unprepared for the hardships of the world. The parent may not be prepared for handling a child, and so would prefer it if they could press the fast forward button on their development so that they can raise a nice fully formed adult. Messages might include things like, “come on now, big girls don’t do that”, “suck it up and be a man”, “don’t be so silly” (when playing), “don’t be such a baby”, “act your age” and “grow up”. Caregivers might expect a lot from their children, giving them more responsibility than they can handle, physically and emotionally. Some children may have to take on this responsibility early for different reasons as carers perhaps or due to other parental issues, for example alcoholism. These children often become highly adapted; neglecting the fun and enjoyable parts of childhood, instead taking on wholesale the driver behaviours to be a perfect little grown up. This of course will be impossible if they have never been shown and taught what this looks like, and just expected to do it. There is no opportunity for growth and development, only expectation and pressure. In adulthood this injunction will manifest itself through all of the driver behaviours, and in ways of being that deny or avoid the free child responses that so often lead to joy. In the defiant position, people may shrug off their responsibilities, instead trying desperately to try and find their child-like side and source of enjoyment. In the adult world this, however, might be highly inappropriate and self-defeating.
One time that both of these injunctions will have a major impact is during adolescence. This is a confusing time as it is, with changes happening on an emotional, physical and psychological level, driven by alterations in hormone levels. As transitionary periods go, it is possibly the biggest (or longest) we might go through. As it marks the shift from childhood to adulthood, it is not surprising that messages about what it means to be an adult and a child will come to the fore. It is also a time of sexual development and so one of the aspects of our lives that the messages of ‘don’t be a child’ and ‘don’t grow up’ might affect are how we view ourselves as sexual beings. I personally think that there may be differences in gender effects here (as there are with other injunctions), which of course are generalisations. For example, there may be a resistance for a father to see his daughter change into a woman (“You will date boys over my dead body!), while he might encourage his son to become a man (“So, are there any girls you like?). A mother might want to still see her son as a precious little boy, while encouraging her daughter to toughen up for the harsh world of dating, so that she is prepared for the advantages of unscrupulous men. Again, I must reiterate that I am making generalisations here, and the messages I have suggested from either gender of parent, to either gender of child may be reversed. The impact could be confusion on the part of the teenager, especially if these messages have been picked up explicitly and implicitly throughout their formative years up to that point. In response, to the injunctions, behaviour around sexuality might be affected by feelings of shame or revulsion, and therefore avoidance. Or sexual beaviour might be engaged with through drivers which fulfil particular expectations or “shoulds” (E.g. “I must please other people and do what they want.” “I have to hurry up and lose my virginity”…). From a defiant position, activities might be explored that go against the messages to be a “good girl or boy” (e.g. “they think I’m a little girl. Would a little girl do this?”) Of course, human sexuality and adolescence are both complex things, and so injunctions may or may not play a key role in what this time looks like for an individual.
So once again, I will finish by suggesting some permissions that we can give ourselves if we face the feelings associated with these two age and developmentally associated injunctions. It is important to remember that how we feel and act is not necessarily related to our numerical age. Freud’s work suggested developmental stages in our early life (associated with sex – of course!) that we might get stuck in or not fully transition through. I think that injunctions give us a way of seeing that certain aspects (but maybe not all) of our being, feeling and thinking might be more immature or not have been allowed the freedom of childhood to be expressed, in large part due to the messages from our childhood. These permissions might give an opportunity to explore these and allow them to develop fully in adulthood:
- It is Ok to act the age that you actually are, not the age someone else thinks, wants or perceives you to be.
- It is sometimes Ok and necessary to act as a free child, have fun and experience freedom.
- It is sometimes ok and necessary to be acknowledge and own your responsibilities for yourself and others.
- Allow yourself to behave in a way that is appropriate for you. It might not be liked by others, but that’s ok (as long as no one is harmed)
- Being an adult is not boring.
- Being a child is not silly, sometimes it can be a source of great joy for you and other people.
- You are not responsible for everyone, and everything, all the time. Take a break.
- Do what you feel is right, not what others have told you to do, based on expectations of your age.
- Learning to be an adult takes time. Allow yourself some to get there, knowing you might make mistakes.
- We can be swift to give up the trappings of childhood. Its Ok to return to them from time to time.
- Your adult self needs the positive experiences and emotions from childhood as well as the constructive lessons learnt from our caregivers in order to function. It is wise to ignore neither.
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